so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
