Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Mom said you looked used
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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