I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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