I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
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