Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
