I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
it's like iHOP with fire
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
