matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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