What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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