In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
