I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
