I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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