the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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