I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Randomize
