I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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