Pants 0. Shit 1.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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