I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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