How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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