Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
