I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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