my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
