Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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