Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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