Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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