I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
