that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
