I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
