Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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