dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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