She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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