he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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