So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Be still, my beating vagina.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
