The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Green mimosas i think yes
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
