you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
