Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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