The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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