anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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