She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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