Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
