I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
