Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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