I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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