I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
