The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
