he shaved USA in his pubs
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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