I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
