How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize