also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
