I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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