Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
