Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
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