yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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