You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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