they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
