It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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