you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
