i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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