this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
