if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
