Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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