The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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