First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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