dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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