omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize