Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
