Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
