he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
