Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
