No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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