Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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