I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Randomize
