So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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